Guest Books

Phoenix

I am a 40-year-old survivor of child abuse. I, like a lot of other victims had repressed my memories. They did not come out until my children were teens.
I was six years old when the abuse began, my sister was 3.
My mother & father divorced and my father had abandoned my sister and myself. My mother remarried this man who my father handed me to and said "he is your daddy now, I am not your daddy anymore" That probably hurt more than the divorce, because I knew I would never see him again.
He placed me in the arms of my abuser of 3 years. What kind of parent walks away from they're own flesh and blood saying" I'm never coming back?"
My adopted father began abusing me physically right away. I cannot remember how long it was before the sexual abuse started. But I now remember the 1st night like it was last night!!
I had dreamt for years and years about that 1st night, just thinking it was a bad dream. Until one evening, as an adult I remembered the dream, only then it wasn't a dream, it was a flash back. The flash backs started coming fiercely! I shut down emotionally. I didn't go anywhere for 3 years, I never left my home. I babysat, so there was no reason to get ready for work outside of the home.
One day this petite little scared girl came to my home, my daughter had met her, she was a new neighbour. She walked in and I connected with her right away. I knew there was something troubling her. She began looking at the photos on the wall and ran across a picture of my adopted brother. She said," How do you know him?" I said, "He is my brother". Her face went white; I really thought she was going to pass out. "So your Dad is Pat?" she asked me, holding back the tears. I said" He adopted me, he is NOT my father, why?" She started sobbing, she had never told anyone what she was about to tell me." He is my step-dad to!!" I cringed. "Did he hurt you?" I asked her. She shook her head, and said"uh hu" She didn't need to go any further; I knew what he had put her through. We began to talk and she let it all out, with out stopping. It was hard for me to listen to her story, because it was my story to. He had done the same sick, sick things to her that he had done to me.
We went to her Mother, her mother and I talked and talked. She wanted to take him to court. I told her she needed to, for her daughter. I never expected what was about to happen next. The district attorney contacted me and asked me to testify.
I had pushed this little girl to stop him and now they wanted me to push to. I got scared to death, more and more flash backs started coming, the death threats, to me, my mom, my sister. How could I put them in danger like that? I was an adult with adult thinking, reality told me" he cant hurt you anymore," but terror kept me from going into the court room, I still had not left my house. I had not seeked professional help. I still feel guilty for not holding her hand through it. I did give my testimony, over the phone, they mailed it to me, I signed it and it helped immensely.
I had to cope with this previous trauma, and I knew I needed help badly. I finally seeked help, it took 8 years of weekly therapy. Talking about what he had done to me and his own children was almost more than I could bear sometimes.
Now, I will tell my story with out fear. Sometimes there is still anger, because I also was not believed. By my own mother.
She told me I was crazy, I had a wild imagination and to get out and never come back. I did, for 10 years. We now talk, we aren't close, and that hurts. We do not speak of those times, sweeping it under the rug is what most people do best.
Under my rug you wont find any more dirt. I cleaned it up and I am heading into a new and wonderful life. It has taken me 30 years to find out what a normal happy relationship is really like. I like it!