I feel strange when trying to remember, every thing seems fuzzy. Making myself think of it now, (not so much make myself, because I think of it all the time) it doesn't seem so clear as it used to. I've tried for so many years to block it out and hide it in my little black box.

People deal with things like this in so many ways. For years my way of dealing with it was to pretend that it wasn't Me but some other little girl that had to cope with it. This way it wasn't real for me and made it easy for me to protect myself from my feelings, which then in turn, allowed me to believe it didn't happen at all!

I have come along way since feeling like that. I know it's true and I know that the little girl is ME. It was hard to believe myself for a long time as I realized all of my loved ones, except for my Mum, had tried to convince me that I was a liar or that it was a dream and wasn't true. They had me convinced for a very long time, they made me angry with my Mum for believing me!
Now when I think about it…how could a child of 6 years of age, that didn't even realize what was happening, lie about being abused?

We seldom see people for what they are and even when we do, we just won't let ourselves believe it. Life can be like a message in a bottle, floating on the waves for years until someone finds and it and opens it.
That's how I felt for years I have been bouncing on the waves never wanting to be opened, but now I am. It's time to tell and let the air onto my lungs and live!

It was 1990…the sun had been bright all day and we had soaked it up.
He called us in for dinner…stew! Not a favourite of mine but after playing long and hard all day I was ready for something eat.
We all sat down and tucked in. I felt like I belonged, I was part of this family and with my three cousins beside me, I felt warm inside.
After dinner as he was putting the plates on the side to be washed, he turned and said to me, "Well you best ring your mum up then because I can't say you can stay with out your Mum's permission, but I suppose it's ok with me." I was confused I couldn't remember asking to stay but I suppose I must of. This wasn't unusual because I had often forgotten asking to stay the night! I realize now that I hadn't asked to stay! I rang my Mum and she was fine about me staying, she would bring my school clothes round for the following morning, it made sense for me to stay as my Auntie took me to school anyway!
We all had baths and dressed in front of the fire. As I was the eldest by two years, I loved the fact I was allowed to stay up longer than the others normally, but this was a school night. Looking back now I realize I was only ever allowed to stay up when he was looking after us. My Auntie never allowed me to stay up after her own children had gone to bed!

We all watched a little TV, as we all sat watching, we heard a scream from the kitchen. My youngest cousin had dropped a milk bottle on her big toe and the toe turned black in no time at all. We all went to bed at eight o'clock I was in the girls room. I was top and tail with my youngest cousin as she was still only young and small we had plenty of room and were comfortable normally but this night she had a bad toe! I was woken by her crying in the night, she had banged her toe on the wall in her sleep…my Auntie came in, (she had been working that night and didn't finish until ten o'clock) it must have been late because she was in her bed clothes. She picked up my cousin and took her into her room, seeing I was awake she said, "Get some sleep it's late." I stretched my legs out right to the end of the bed and got myself comfortable and drifted back off to sleep.
I woke up hearing the floorboard creaking, then the bathroom light went on. I rolled over and was able to see through the crack of the door. I can hear him in the bathroom using the lavatory. I close my eyes trying to go back to sleep telling myself, "It's ok, my Auntie's home and not long been awakened."
Have you ever looked into someone's eyes and they're empty and they only have a look of evil? These are the eyes that have haunted me till this very day. I feel a presence, it wakes me, I turn and there are those eyes staring at me. They turn my body stiff from head to toe. I hurt, not physically but mentally, I hardened my body to in what may come next…I closed my eyes to block out what was happening. I can feel his hands that are cold against my skin, that's how I feel inside, cold. I stay still unable to move, not wanting to, I try to keep control, telling myself to turn away, close my legs. Tell him to no! Telling myself to do something to stop him…I'm screaming inside, but I stay still, frozen, unable to do anything to stop him or is it that I don't want to stop him? Maybe this is my fault. My eyes are firmly shut and I have not moved an inch, not even a flinch…I'm telling myself, "It's a dream, it's not happening, I'll open my eyes and it won't be happing it won't be true." I can't say how long I had been laying there…I slowly open my eyes hoping it was all a dream. A dream. If only it was. There he is, looking straight through me. It hits me for the first time and all at once," It's true, it's my Uncle, it's wrong, it's must stop! It hurts, I hurt, oh please stop, no more please no more." My body is numb, he moves his hand away then moves away from the bed, and I pretend I'm moving in my sleep rolling over not to letting him know! I hear him stand, I intentionally turn and look at him, and He looks at me with concern on his face then asks "Are you ok, did you have nightmare?"
I can't reply, why would he think I have had a nightmare? Maybe I had dreamt it, yeh it was a dream the one I always' had but it wasn't my Uncle it was another man, the one that looked like an old wise Indian man. No, not this time, I lay there trying so hard, but this time I just couldn't convince myself it wasn't happening. I knew it was. I knew the truth and I was hurting. I must not let him know that I know. I roll over as if not quite awake and tell myself you know this is true. I can hear him leave the room. I stare through the crack in the door towards a tiny little night light on the landing. I rap my nightdress between my legs, bringing my legs up and cradle into my body as much as I can.
I make a promise to myself not to sleep, never to tell and never to let it happen again.
I wake, it's time to get ready for school, and I go down with the others to get dressed in front of the fire. He comes in while I'm dressing and for the first time I realize my naked body. I cover myself quickly and realize I can't move.
This was the first time after waking I knew it was true, I couldn't lie to myself anymore and I couldn't see him as my Uncle that I loved so very much. He was the man that had always touched me as far back as I can remember.

I don't know why it become true that day, maybe he had gone too far and really hurt me this time. All the other times it was like someone else, not the man I looked to as a father figure. I thought it was the man that looked like a wise old Indian. That night I saw through my soul and I knew it to be Melvin... my Uncle!